Restless Whatever Syndrome

Lately, I’ve found myself more and more in a state of restlessness. I have a good job and a good life, but I feel like I’m supposed to do more.

Here’s what dictionary.com says about the word “restless”:

1. “Characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest.”

I’m so tired of sitting all day long and staring at a flashing screen. Yes, it’s spring. Yes, the warmer weather naturally makes me want to go outside. But besides that, my eyes hurt from the computer and my back hurts from sitting. I really just need to expend some energy. Exercising after work isn’t really helping.

2. “Unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart.”

You know how I feel like I need to chase a different purpose? Well, that would do with this part of the definition. I’m scared that I’m wasting my life sitting chained to a desk all day. I’m also scared of taking a risk. Something’s gotta give.

3. “Never at rest; perpetually agitated or in motion.”

Is that why my legs are always moving?! Ha!

4. “Without rest; without restful sleep.”

I sleep…but it’s almost never a restful sleep. I tend to wake up exhausted. I still have nightmares.

5. “Unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons.”

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy binging on Netflix or my favorite movies, but doing that all the time can get old. I’d rather go somewhere. (Preferably, Disney World, but that’s a bit far away and expensive.)

But. But. But.

THAT. Right. There. is the problem. There are a lot of “buts” in my vocabulary. That needs to go away. Otherwise, I’ll be sitting here another three years from now and still be regretting the ideas and opportunities I didn’t follow through with.

Someone tell me that risk is worth it! I have to support myself — money is the scariest thing. Especially because I barely make ends meet as it is. But yet, there is always that whisper saying “take the chance.” My personal life is fulfilling and happy. Is it so bad to want my money-making life to be the same way?

It’s Been a While..

Apparently, I’m the most average blogger…

Life got busy, and I stopped writing. And so much has happened since then that I can’t even remember it all!

First off, my job got really busy. I ended up taking on extra responsibilities when my general manger changed jobs. I’m really grateful for the experience and extra work! But, it does make me end up feeling so tired at the end of most days, that I just don’t feel like turning on my computer at home. But hey, I know Quickbooks now!

By the time I was finally catching up with balancing the new work with the old work, it was almost time for my office to change floors in our building. Lots of work. Lots of haggling with contractors that weren’t that wonderful IMO. Eventually, the main contractor disappeared. My boyfriend and I ended up doing the last few things that needed to be done in the new office space.

In the middle of THAT, my mom and I went to Disney World! For my birthday! It was a pretty crazy trip, but we did several things on my bucket list — Yay! I FINALLY got to see Festival of Fantasy on our last day  — a day that we weren’t supposed to be in the parks. Long story! It seems like every time I was in Magic Kingdom since that parade came out, it was raining. I’ve seen the Rainy Day Parade more times than any other parade, I think. By the way, the bread plate at Sanaa is AMAZING! Definitely something you can share with two people. I also realized that I REALLY need a real camera. Relying on my crap phone for everything was so irritating.

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Festival of Fantasy

So, we got back from Disney, and I went straight into the office move which went straight into prepping for our client party (my first time organizing THAT, BTW) which went straight into Thanksgiving then the client party then Christmas parties then Christmas then New Year’s (each of which usually involves at least 3 different gatherings each night) then my grandma’s surprise 80th birthday party. *Gasp! I didn’t get a chance to breathe until mid-January — and then I got sick (of course!).

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Colin & Keira

Oh yeah, I also got a second cat right before Christmas. Totally unplanned, but it was a good thing because Colin was getting lonely by himself all day. She’s adorable. ❤

And how can I forget?! My brother got engaged! I’m happy for him. I’ll be a bridesmaid in their wedding this summer. Social anxiety much?

So here I am, finally healthy again. Time to start getting into this blog thing again. Anything you would like me to write about? Let me know!

Rebuilding after Losing Myself

 

One of my biggest fears was that in getting away from him, I would lose too much. But eventually, I realized that I had pretty much lost everything because of him. The longer I stayed, the more I lost. I left when there was almost nothing left of me.

It’s terrifying to realize you have to start from scratch. But after a while, I realized that it can also be a good thing.

Rebuilding 101: How I Made Myself after Losing Myself

  • I changed my hair. He liked long, blonde hair, so I had long, blonde hair. One of the first things I did after getting out of the relationship was chop off my hair. Not only is that the classic thing for girls to do during a nervous breakdown, but it was my first rebellion against letting someone dictate my life. Now, it’s short and a dark color. I’m probably going to change it again soon. Because I CAN and I WANT TO. So refreshing!
  • I changed my clothes. During the relationship, I was told what I could and couldn’t wear. Nothing short when he wasn’t around. He didn’t like dark colors on me. If I wore something he didn’t approve of, a fight would inevitably start. Now, I wear whatever I feel like. Sometimes my choices don’t make sense to others, but for me, it’s just my way of proving that I can make decisions for myself.
  • I cleaned house. You should have seen how much crap I threw away after the breakup. I didn’t want anything that reminded me of those years. I’m typically a sentimental hoarder, but I must have taken more than two trunkloads to Goodwill. One time, the donation guy laughed at me because it was so much stuff. I even got rid of stuff I liked. I’ll probably always miss that hoodie I picked out for myself but wasn’t allowed to buy for myself.
  • I got second holes in my ears. Anything more than the single set of piercings was not allowed. Let me rephrase that. It was allowed — unless I had gone out and gotten a new piercing. Then all hell would have broken loose.
  • I got tested. Most of the time in the relationship, he was doing drugs of some kind. He is a pathological liar, so I really had no idea what he was doing at any time. Thank God, I’m perfectly clean. It was such a weight off my shoulders after I got the results back.
  • I went on vacation and enjoyed myself. The weekend before I got away, I ran away to Disney with one of my friends. I was allowed to go for the first 10 hours or so after I told him. But then, suddenly, it wasn’t ok. Because he wasn’t going. Because I was going to cheat on him. Because I’m a crappy girlfriend. After being yelled at and my crying for hours…He f-ed me off and drove away. I went to Florida. This was not the best trip in the world. My friend knew there was something wrong, but she was nice enough not to ask. We went the next year and had a much better time. Disney is my happy place still.
  • I made new friends. I had a lot of wonderful friends who were there for me after everything fell apart. They were just sitting on the sidelines until I needed them. However, I did learn that there were a lot of people who weren’t really my friends. I come from a conservative background, but was not really in it at all toward the end of the relationship. You would think that coming back from the dead, people would be glad to see you back. But nope. She has drama. Unfriended. Thankfully not everyone was like that, and I’ve found my weirdos all over the place. The ones who turned their backs on me don’t matter anymore.
  • I got my family back. As with everything else, any time away from him was not approved of. Eventually, I rarely saw my family. If I visited them, a fight would start. On top of which, my mom’s idea of making me see what was going on was to push every  button I have and then some. But now, I can see them whenever I want. I think my grandma and I became even closer due to similar experiences.
  • I have my own place. He was desperate to own me. I was desperate to be like everyone else and have my own family. So, he constantly dangled marriage in front of me. Of course, I fell for it and continued to live with my parents until “one day” came. It never did. I never moved. Finally, I was able to move out on my own last year. Let me tell you, I LOVE living alone.
  • I paid down my debt. Between paying for his life and compulsive shopping to try to forget my problems, I ran up a TON of debt. Now, it’s mostly paid down. It’s a little higher than it was last year, but life/rent/bills ya’know?
  • I’m learning to have confidence in myself. I ordered Pizza Hut to be delivered to my apartment last week. Just saying.
  • I buy things because I like them. I don’t make my purchasing decisions based on what another person likes. Which means I have a LOT more Disney stuff and NOTHING frilly.
  • I swear, like a lot. Eight years ago, I said ZERO bad words. And then I was expected to be the perfect angel. Now, my vocabulary is much more colorful. Not necessarily a positive change. But science says it helps with pain, so there.
  • I’m much more open. I honestly believe that fewer of us would fall for the shitheads if the truth weren’t so readily swept under the rug by society. I was raised to not mention that my grandfather was abusive because it was “embarrassing.” What the hell?! When I realized that I was in a dangerous relationship, I felt trapped because one side was hurting me and the other side — the side I should have been able to run to — was judging me. We need to be unashamed to take our masks off and be able to tell someone our story. To be able to say, these are the signs, this is what I fell for, he is the bad person. Most people think I’m crazy for showing the not-so-beautiful parts of my life — for being vulnerable. But you know what? I don’t care. This is me. Get over it.
  • I allowed myself to be loved. This is probably the biggest thing that has helped me in the last few years. I went from a fake love that constantly told me that no one else could ever love me, to feeling more love than I even realized existed. And not just romantic love. My coworkers looked out for me when I was being stalked. My bosses let me cry and loaned me a phone when he took over my phone number. My friends listened to me vent or let me just be quiet. They got me away. My boyfriend showed me that I was beautiful, that I was worth something, that I was worth time/love/effort, that I have a mind of my own and can make my own choices. He never asked for anything back. He still doesn’t. He has been so patient with me. There is still a part of me that thinks I don’t deserve it, but I am oh-so-thankful that my walls haven’t dissuaded the people who really just wanted to give to me and show love to me.

 

Life isn’t always sunshine and roses. Today was a low day. I still have regrets. Memories come back at the worst times (dissociation much?). I still feel vulnerable. I still feel fear sometimes. I still don’t sleep. I still have nightmares. I still have panic attacks. I still have this ridiculous need to apologize constantly. I have a hard time committing to anything.

But, slowly sometimes, I’m rebuilding myself from the ground up. I’m growing. I’m healing. I’m learning. I’m sharing my story. I’m finding others who have been through the same thing. I’m 5 billion times happier than I was just 3 short years ago. And one day, I’ll get there. Wherever there is.

 

Rebuild

Check In

Well, right now, things are good. I’m happy. Work is annoying. But hey, I got to go to the beach for a day and a half.

Honestly though, I’m ready to get away. Not just on vacation. But away away. To a town with stuff to do. Seriously… My city talks big, yet I hate it worse than I did when it was small. If I’m going to live somewhere with bad drivers and hot summers, I might as well move closer to Disney, right?

Maybe one day.

At least I need a vacation to Florida. I want to go to Disney World and Universal. Ten days would be a dream! I need some ideas of a business I could start on the side. Hmm…

Anyways, bedtime.

What Stereotypical Married Women Need to Know about Their Unmarried Former Friends

Soapbox warning: THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ALL MARRIED WOMEN. However…

1. We aren’t “doing whatever we want” all the time. We have jobs. When we’re off work, we’re being responsible adults. You know, cooking, cleaning, taking care of others, paying bills, repairing stuff. Handling everything on our OWN for the most part.
2. Yes, some of us do want to get married one day. But we’re not settling just to get a ring. And we’re certainly not worshiping your “higher/more blessed by God” status.
3. No, we don’t want to steal your husband.

4. We understand married life is busy. We’re busy too. Say hi every once in a while. It’s not like we see our single friends that often either.

5. We felt it when you dropped us as soon as there weren’t any more showers to be held for you. (You’re welcome, by the way.)

6. We really would have been incredibly flexible just to spend a little bit of time catching up with you.
7. We don’t just want to be your babysitter. But we do enjoy the opportunity to spend time with kids.
8. Pretty much the only thing that changed between us was marital status.
9. We noticed when you unfriended us.
10. We may have seen a lot more of life than you think we have. We don’t think you’re wiser just for saying “I do.”
11. We are good with your [insert product here] sales parties. But we notice when we’re only invited to meet your guest quota. Also, we’re probably tight on money (see #1 above), so don’t expect too much.
12. We like who we are. We are strong, independent women. However, we may lack the self-confidence to reach out. Being well into adulthood and single means we’ve dealt with a lot of rejection.
13. We found out that not all married people treat single people like this… We’re friends with them now.
14. We will ALWAYS be grateful for the friends that didn’t walk down the aisle and immediately forget we exist. You guys are awesome! 🙂